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Why I Am Scared of My Kids

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henry happened: Why I Am Scared of My Kids

Monday, June 6, 2011

Why I Am Scared of My Kids

Who would be scared of such an adorable little creature,  right? Well. Me. For 3 reasons.

1. My husband is out of town for 7 days
2. School is out
3. My babysitter just moved away

Let me just put the cherry on top - the closest family is 3 hours away.

The thought of 7 uninterrupted days of mommy time is giving me hives and a panic attack. I need wine and a Valium. Stat.

I've tried to think rationally about why this terrifies me. There's Henry's near constant screeching and Caroline's blur of 3-year-old energy and incessant questioning. The endless cooking,  cleaning,  bathing. But that's normal stuff. This level of terror is harder to pin down.

What I've realized? I'm not 100% comfortable with both of them all by myself. Add the hubby or the babysitter or heck, even another kid, and suddenly I'm confident and capable.

When it's just me, I have a hard time knowing how to just "be" with them. There are times when I'm plenty caffeinated and a spontaneous dance party ensues. Those moments are fun and magical. Too often I'm tired and after 2 minutes of playing blocks I'm content to let the kiddos wander off to do their own thing while I sneak away to start dinner. Or better yet, lie down on the playroom floor and close my eyes.

So I feel guilty. And after I get through this week they start camp. And I feel guilty about that too. Shouldn't I want to spend all day with these fantastic little creatures? Isn't that why I'm not working? Before Henry came along I worked full-time,  and I felt guilty about not being able to spend more time at home. Now I feel guilty because I don't want to spend more time at home.

Someone recently asked me,  "What do you want to be best at as a mom?"  I didn't have an answer. Truthfully,  right now I think I'm best at the practical stuff -  healthy meals, clean clothes, keeping the gates shut so Henry doesn't fall down the stairs, that sort of thing. Good stuff,  important stuff even. But is that my best?

What I want I want to be best at is enjoying my kids. Savoring them. Having my eyes light up when they enter the room like Maya Angelou tells us to.

But ask me again on Wednesday.

Give me your thoughts ...  what do you want to be best at as a mom?

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